180 on a motorway
Context
So New Year’s Eve 1999 and I was on the motorway driving back home from the Gurdwara (Sikh temple). With my brother in the passenger seat chugging along in the white van.
I was feeling a little spiritual to say the least, coming back from a holy house on the eve of the new millennium and all that. Suffice to say I was in a pro-life kind of mood.
Anyway, white van, two brothers on the motorway home.
And now to the story…
Me: “Pretty good service at the temple hey?”
My brother just nodded unengaged. He was on the phone to one of his friends.
Driving on a few miles when suddenly a grouse bird pops down on the hard shoulder. Getting excited by what I saw…
Me: “Yeah, it is, it’s the bird from the Famous Grouse advert. That’s cool hey.
….Brother still unengaged.
Now as we got closer to the grouse bird, the damn thing took a step into my lane. At this point I swear, but cannot prove, it cocked its head to one side. Kind of like it was suggesting a notion of ”you want some…”
Me: “Hmmmm…”
As we got closer, it took a further step into my lane. I was getting a little nervous. It was still a way off, but I really did not enjoy the thought of road kill on the eve of the new millennium. In addition there was a car to my right, which effectively locked me into two options:
a) Hit the bird into oblivion and possibly condemn myself to life in the Sikh equivalent of purgatory
b) Veer into the hard shoulder and hope for the best
A couple of meters away and the little shit went full on James Dean. He was smack bang in my lane with look suggesting “fancy playing a bit of chicken…SON!”
I looked to the right, car still there, only one thing for it…I swerved left.
As I did this James Dean took off flinging me a V sign safe – again I cannot prove this!
Brother: “What the F are you doing.” Funnily, he had now come out of the phone induced coma.
Me: “Shit, it flew away…”
Brother: “You are going too far!”
By now the car to my right had shot forward leaving the lanes clear. I swerved right…across three lanes and then ….
Brother: “Oh F, you going to hit the barrier….Jeez, you are going to launch us!!!!”
Again, he was right, the turning angle now meant I had over egged it the other way and rapidly approaching the opposite side of the motorway.
I did the only thing I could think of, channeling every car chase film. I hit the clutch, pulled the hand brake up and put on a full lock left on the wheel. The next bit is a bit of a blur. However, I do recall seeing my brother’s phone fly past me.
If anyone happened to be watching, they would have seen a white van driven by a boy with open mouth, dumb with shock and exhilaration do a controlled hand brake turn. Taking the vehicle, a full 180 on an active motorway and come to a stand-still in the fast lane...facing on-coming traffic.
Not Hollywood…
Once we stopped, I would like to say that we looked at each other, reached out and held each other’s hands Hollywood style. You know, all that recognising the brotherly bond blah blah.
Instead what transpired was something wholly different and not at all reflecting the romantic notions that the great films lead us to expect on such occasions.
Brother: “You…Might…Want…to…start…the van….”
Me: “Yes, good idea.”
We spoke not another word for the remaining journey.
Really not Hollywood…
Remember that phone that flew past me? Well, the call was still connected. This meant that my brother’s friend heard everything with clarity and it went something like…
“Oh Mother of God…”
“….TOOOOOO FARRRRRR!!!!”
“…..Not like this, I can’t go like….”
“Shut up you idiot!”
“F me, I am too young….!”
“….crap we are gona be launched….”
“…noooooooo…..arghhhhh!”
“I think I shit myself!”
“…start the F’in van you dipstick.”
Closing thoughts/advice
1) Cherish every moment you have, you never know when the Grouse may strike.
2) There are always two sides of the story: what your mind thinks and what actually happens.
3) If it comes to knocking a bird or doing a 180 on a motorway….
…its bye bye birdie time!