Office Toilets...
This entry is about something that I think most people have a story about but due to social norms is not mentioned. However, as soon as one person brings it up others start smiling in that way that suggests….'“oh yeah, that’s soooo right but I would never have said out loud”.
Let’s see if any of it resonates with you....
Office toilets. Yup, we are going to read about those wonderful rooms – the washroom within the office environment. More specifically, the humor filled potential of these havens of poo. First to set some context and warm things up, here are a few related ditties to help set the tone:
The Director who claimed he could gage the level of stress in the organisation based on the strength of the aroma arising from the 2nd floor toilets. To be fair to him, he did call it about the annual bonus timings...
Making a Newbie mistake of being in the washroom during the weekly fire alarm test. For the uninitiated; imagine your alarm clock on steroids, amplified by a tiled echo chamber - bouncing the sound back at you again and again. Suffice to say that bowels would be evacuated if they had not already had been. Interestingly it took me months to figure out that the alarm was being tested weekly at exactly the same time!
Then there is the toilet synchronicity – the awkward synchronicity where your loo breaks sync with another person in the office. Inevitably leading to the nervous humor of “we’ve got to stop meeting like this...”. Usually met with a stone-face indicating not to ever joke around the washroom again.
The time when two project contractors (same sex), who having only met that morning, just could not keep their hands off one another. Subsequently getting caught in the disabled toilet when their “noises” got mistaken for pleas of help (another story for another time…).
Or as I recently got told – where the toilet light is on a movement sensor. Having not sensed any movement it then turns off while you are still on the loo. This means you have to stay in the toilet until someone else comes in AND leaves – else your loo overtime will have been caught out!
So, back to this story; the time I discovered that toilets can be fitted with alarms...
Remember that firm I joined where I nearly killed myself on the ski slope being ‘alpha’. Well I also took a similar attitude to over doing the work load.
On one occasion this resulted in three days of very little sleep, very (very) early starts and almost midnight finishes.
Disclaimer: please note that at no point did the corporation force me to work stupid long hours - I just thought it was the “Alpha” way.
Anyhow, so there I was on the third day, nearly finished with a presentation I was working on. Change and edit requests coming fast from anyone and everyone on the project. And me saying “yup no problem”.
Three days of very little sleep does catch up with you. No matter how much caffeine is consumed and no matter how many “wake me up” fresh air walks you take, the body does need sleep and rest.
This is where I found myself - mentally and physically fatigued from almost constant computer time. Emergency procedures had to be engaged. I needed to close my eyes...I needed to sleep, even if for 5 minutes...the brain could think of nothing else but SLEEP!
The thing was, for such large buildings, offices are just not set up to promote sleep on site! Further, it was one of these modern glass offices where even the meeting rooms had glass walls. I couldn’t even book out a meeting room to power nap (being alpha, even sleep had to be strong).
I thought about going to the park bench to catch some z’s. But it was raining and besides, someone could have seen me keeping the homeless company.
What to do...what to do.
And this brings me back to the topic in the intro. The washrooms - of course!!!! Small lockable room, lighting not that bright and it had a seat. Perfect, I could steal away 15 minutes of rest and return to charge through the rest of the presentation prep. Easy peasy lemon squeezy.
A few seconds later, I was in the washroom. Found myself an empty cubicle. Door locked.
A breath of relief and I was relaxed. I could feel the brain signalling that it was okay to shut the eyes. Sleep was taming my system and taking over.
Within seconds of sitting down I was out.
The visual: Imagine a grown man fully clothed on a closed toilet seat sitting with one head leant against the wall slobbering over himself...all the while in the deepest of deep sleeps.
Suddenly an alarm like I had not experienced before goes off like something from the Blitz!!!
If that was not enough - it also felt like the Earth was vibrating. Like proper vibrating, like a washing machine possessed!
Desperately vying to make some semblance of it all, the brain could only come up with:
“Oh my god...war is upon on us and I was sleeping on the staff toilet...we must be getting bombed...is this how I go out...”
“holy poo (pun intended) ....what the....”
Bolt upright, body in emergency mode I jolted off the toilet seat. Not remembering the size of the cubicle, I head butted the door and crashed on to the floor. The war alarm and vibrating stopped.
A few seconds later, cognition began to regain control and start to make some semblance of it all. Obviously, I had left my phone on loud speaker and that was what had caused the experience.
Okay, okay...get it together man. Luckily no one knows you are here collapsed on the floor bamboozled. It’s been a hard week. Okay, it is still a good idea, this time switch the phone to silent.
4 minutes later the same thing happened and again I was on the floor. This time cursing myself that the phone was still on. Only it wasn’t.
Huh..What’s going on?! I kid you not, it took me full on 5 minutes before I realised what you may already know. In my exhausted stupor I had not figured out that the toilet seat itself was the reason I was being awoke!
How dare they! My gosh what kind of maniacs were they to set an alarm on how long you could spend on the toilet!
Now the rational amongst you will know that the alarms are there as a safety mechanism - to alert others that someone may have collapsed whilst on the pooper. After all, it is a common driver behind deaths – Elvis et al.
I was beside myself with rage - how could they alarm the toilets. I got my wits about me and stormed back into the office to tell the others.
Back in the office
Mr TaT: “Jeezus...the gall of this place, you work your arse off (pun unintended) for these guys and...”
Crap; how was I going to explain that I knew there was alarmed toilets! There were no visible signs saying such and such. The only way I could know was if I experienced the alarm having sat longer than the allotted time. Ah crap. The only people that would also know were those who had likewise fallen asleep. Not something you want to admit in an open office within earshot of the higher ups.
Frick!! I couldn’t even vent about this!!!!
Colleague: “And what dude, you work so hard and...?”
Mr TaT: “Oh, nothing...it’s okay...forget it”
Colleague: “Ummmm, okay. Been meaning to say that you look like you need sleep.”
Mr TaT: “No Shit!”
Takeaways
If you end up on the floor dazed - do not try to out think the situation. And especially do not repeat the exercise. Just walk away!
Do not fall asleep at work - they have ways of keeping you awake!